No ‘Moore’ Mess- Chapter Three (Serial Version)
Chapter Three- Mary (Moore) Neeley Dreams Of Helen Moore
The ambulance ride to the hospital was long. Mary floated in and out of consciousness. The paramedics worked to keep her breathing. She flat lined twice on the way to the hospital. It was a minor miracle the paramedics kept her alive.
“I don’t think this one’s going to make it. Truly the fat lady has sung.”
“Shannon! Don’t say that she might hear you!”
“Hear me? The only thing she’s hearing is the sound of angels calling. And it best be a busload of them coming. She’s a whale.”
“Shannon! That’s enough. Seriously, stop.”
“Stop. Don’t touch me. Get off me. Please.”
“See, I told you. She’s still there. Be careful.”
“Oh my God! Do you think she heard me? Really? What’s she rambling on about anyway?”
“Who knows? But she’s been through enough. Keep your mind on your work. And your big trap shut.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Mary heard little of their conversation. She knew she was injured, but she had no idea where she was at the moment. As her consciousness faded out once more, Mary’s thoughts returned to Helen’s troubled relationship with Pastor Andrew.
“It’s G-D 12:03, Helen!”
“But papa, there was a trai — ”
The word train never made it out of young Helen’s mouth on that cold, late Saturday night. Her father’s clenched right fist to the left side of her pretty, little mouth saw to that. Pastor Andrew preached the Gospel every Sunday. But the devil resided inside him when someone riled him. Helen had done that by her tardiness.
“I ran all the way here.”
“Sure not fast enough. That fat ass of yours should get more exercise.”
Pastor Andrew’s angry words came with a hard slap to Helen’s face. The back of Helen’s dark, auburn hair-covered head hit the tattered white and lime green screen door. The frayed metal wires of the upper screen in the door caught Helen’s long ponytail. Her purple and gold glasses flew from her face.
The blood from Helen’s broken nose drenched her favorite blue dress. Pastor Andrew was getting warmed up. Roberta ran to the door to intervene. The night was late.
“Andrew! You two get in here. For Christ’s sake, you’ll wake the neighbors!”
“Shut your hole, woman! She’s back home late again, Roberta. That cannot go unpunished.”
“Three minutes, Andrew. Three little minutes.”
“Rules is rules, woman. You want her to end up like your other daughter did?”
“No. And our other daughter has a name. Her name is Bertha.”
“I don’t know anyone by that name. But it’s time to lay down the law around here.”
“It’s also a law to keep it down at midnight in this town, Andrew. Get in here before someone calls the police on you. Again. You best mind me. You remember last time, you hear?”
“I remember.”
“Do you? It took me an hour to bail you out last time.”
“I know. All right, I’m done for now.”
Pastor Andrew came into the house. Roberta saved Helen’s life on that dreary night. But make no mistake, Roberta was no angel. Pastor Andrew was not alone in dishing out swift and painful discipline to his kids.
Roberta handed out physical punishment on occasion, but she preferred mental abuse to the physical kind. It was how her mother dealt with her as a teenager back in the day. Roberta could be cruel when the mood struck her right.
“You stupid girl, get your fat ass in here.”
Helen’s shoulders sank, and she let out a long grunt. She knew not to mess with Roberta when she was angry. Helen came into the house. It would not be the last time that Helen and Pastor Andrew would quarrel. But unlike Bertha, Helen lived with her parents until she finished high school.
What Helen may have lacked in looks, she made up for in brains. She got a full scholarship to an elite college out east. Helen signed up for summer classes to get out of the house as fast as she could.
Helen enjoyed college. She was not looking for love. She dated a few boys, but nobody seriously. Helen studied hard. An older female professor named Dr. Kobayashi saw Helen’s academic prowess during her senior year of college. Dr. Kobayashi asked Helen to help her daughter, Erica, with her doctoral dissertation. Helen agreed to do it.
Helen and Erica spent hours together. They got closer as the months passed. Erica flirted and tried to feel her up at every turn, but this oddly didn’t bother Helen. Every young man she knew was the same with the women on campus. Why should a horny woman be any different?
Erica told Helen she was in love with her as they drank hot, black coffee in a local café about two months later. Helen balked at the idea of a serious relationship with Erica. She knew how relationships could get in the way of a woman’s dreams. Her mother, Roberta, was a testament to that.
Helen wondered about Erica’s reputation as a habitual flirt around the university. She was mostly harmless but persistent. All the other college boys and most of the girls were like her or worse. It was something every young woman learned to tolerate on campus. Helen asked for her mother’s advice on the matter.
Roberta was against Helen getting married. She made her opinion crystal clear. Helen had potential be more than “just a dumb old housewife.” Roberta knew it.
“No smart woman needs a relationship. You best remember that, Helen.”
“But what about? You know?”
“Love? Marriage? Sex?”
“Don’t you need that?”
“No.”
“Really?”
“Dear, that’s why they make electric toothbrushes. I call mine Chuck.”
“Mother!”
Erica was eager to marry Helen. Her repeated refusals left Erica wondering if she should give up and find someone new. She tried one last time with Helen. Erica used her savings to book a trip for the two of them to her grandmother’s homeland of Japan.
The pair spent two weeks backpacking around the country. On the last day of their adventure they went on a bus tour to Kyoto. Arashiyama in Kyoto is famous for beautiful fall leaves.
Erica and Helen enjoyed a lovely day together. They took a million pictures. They ate soba noodles with duck meat. And they sampled sweets of all kinds. The happy pair returned to the train station tired and ready to go home late in the evening.
“Helen, today was picture perfect, wasn’t it?”
“I can’t imagine this day being much better.”
“But I can.”
“Huh?”
Erica took a knee. She pulled a big diamond ring from her blue backpack, and Erica looked up at Helen. She knew what was coming.
“You aren’t going to give this up are you?”
“No.”
“Will it shut you up if I agree?”
“Yes. At least for a moment, if you kiss me. I love you, Helen.”
“Hey come on, woman.”
“There you go trying to steal my catch phrase.”
“Sorry! I couldn’t help myself. I love you.”
The couple married in spring of the next year. The ceremony was beautiful. Friends from far and wide came to the grand wedding, family only from Erica’s side. The day was perfect.
Helen looked like a model straight out of the pages of a Japanese fashion magazine. Erica cleaned up well too. She was quite the sexy throwback in her 1950s style black and white tuxedo.
The blissful couple exchanged vows and rings in front of their guests. Everyone went to a large reception hall. The party was divine. There was food and drink of all manner. The local community jazz band they rented played dance music into the late evening.
Erica and Helen danced the night away right to their hotel room. Erica swooped up her beautiful bride and carried her into the penthouse suite. Helen slipped into the bathroom, and Erica peeled off her tuxedo.
She popped a bottle of expensive French champagne, and she poured it in two beautiful crystal glasses. Helen came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. She was wearing a black and white lingerie set. She bought it special for the evening.
Erica was excited but nervous. Erica was the biggest of flirts, but deep down she was awkward. It was her first time going all the way with someone she loved. This came as a shock to her new bride.
“You’re kidding, right? I’ve seen you hit on every man and woman on campus.”
“I know, but none of them I loved wanted to go that far. But trust me I tried. Oh how I tried. Probably too hard at times.”
“Hmm.”
Helen was no whore. She had been to second base with a couple of former boyfriends and, unlike Bertha, willingly all the way with old Widow Wilma. Helen swore to wait until marriage after that experience. Helen giggled a little when Erica failed to exude sexiness when she tripped over a chair.
“That’s mean. I’m just — It’s just — You know?”
“Kidding. Let’s see if I can’t help you out.”
Erica responded to Helen’s eager mouth along with her nimble fingers. Erica was a quick study. They spent the rest of evening and well into the night making love. They collapsed in a beautiful embrace as they faded off into dreamland.
“Amazing. You weren’t too bad yourself.”
“Now, be nice. Just don’t tell our future kids about tonight, okay?”
“Ha! Deal. They will never know. Sleep well, my love.”
The newlyweds awoke the next morning. They caught an early morning flight to Okinawa. A mutual university friend, who worked for a travel agency, hooked them up with a nice honeymoon package for a few days of sun and fun.
It was a grand time for them. Erica and Helen rented a car, and they spent several days driving around the island. They saw dolphin shows. They enjoyed glass bottom boat tours and a butterfly park.
Their nights were filled with heavy drinking. They took in live house shows several times. Helen got Erica on stage for impromptu karaoke. Helen knew Erica was many wonderful things, but a great singer he was not. She wanted everyone in the place to know it.
“‘Play it again, Samantha.’”
“I’m not that bad, right?”
“Worse. But I love you.”
“Gee, thanks.”
Erica had her moment over her beautiful new wife. Helen had been to Japan, but she was not a fan of sushi. She nearly passed out every time she saw raw fish.
Erica never let her forget it. She loved to put on little sushi puppet shows for her any time they went out to eat. Helen hated her for that.
“Here fishy, fishy! Oh no! Don’t eat me. Don’t eat me! Sorry! I’m so hungry! Oh, it hurts. It hurts! Stop!”
“Erica! That’s wrong so wrong. You’re such a toddler.”
“Sweet! I wonder if I can get the kids’ meal!?”
“Lord help our future children.”
The early days of Erica and Helen’s marriage were filled with happiness. They took the local train to the university each morning as they held hands. The pair traveled to Southeast Asia during their first spring break.
They went for a romantic week to Japan to celebrate their first wedding anniversary. Erica got sentimental. She booked the same hotel they stayed at on their honeymoon. Helen got in on the act. She pushed Erica on stage for amateur night karaoke at a local bar.
“Sing like a bird!”
“You’re so evil!”
“I’ll make it up to you later tonight.”
“You’d better!”
Helen made it up to Erica multiple times that night. It was not all romance and fun for the newlyweds. Helen published many articles and books on a variety of academic topics. Her book on the seedy underworld of JK Clubs (josei kosei), was well received by her academic peers. The book raised eyebrows among the most liberal of Japanese people.
JK Clubs in Japan offer pretty, high school girls to give a variety of paid services for men in Japan. These services range from chatting to full prostitution. The Japanese police in recent years have clamped down on these businesses.
The demand is so great in Japan as soon as one place shuts down three more are open for business. Helen spent months interviewing the girls, the clients, and the club owners. She appeared on several news programs to talk about her findings.
Helen produced a popular documentary on the JK Clubs. Her university made her the youngest female professor in its 153 year history. Helen was thrilled.
Erica was also focused on his career. She published several articles on effective English teaching methods. Her English textbook is used Japan-wide to this day. The university offered her a tenure-track position for the next academic year.
She accepted the job and the financial security that came with it. Erica and Helen took a trip to Chicago to visit Erica’s father to celebrate. They spent ten wonderful days touring Chicago.
They watched musicals. Helen stuffed herself with delicious deep dish pizza. It was a time they wished would never end, but the new academic year called for the pair. Erica and Helen returned to the real world, and they settled into their new positions.
The pair was excited for the new school year. Erica went in for his mandatory health check. She hated the yearly poking and prodding. Erica had always been terrified of needles.
It took five nurses to hold her down as a five-year old, so the doctor could take a simple blood sample. She did his best to avoid the health checks, but this time she had no choice. The university said it was a condition of her employment.
Erica went through a variety of medical tests. Things were going well when a pretty young nurse called her name. Erica handed her his paperwork, and she walked to the next examination area.
“Sit down, please.”
“Here?”
“Yes. Please put your chin on the rest and look straight ahead.”
“Like this?”
“Yes. Open your left eye. I am going to take a picture of your left retina. Are you ready?”
“Go ahead.”
“And now the right one.”
“Fine.”
“Oh my — ”
The nurse stopped, and she stared at her white clipboard. She had been unable to take a clear picture of Erica’s right retina. The pupil was too small for the camera. The nurse excused herself, and she returned with a second older supervisor.
“Can you see the light?”
“Yes, I can. Is there a problem?”
“Don’t move. Close your eyes tightly and open them.”
The nurse again was unable to take a picture of Erica’s right retina. The supervisor checked the equipment, and she looked at Erica. The woman gasped.
“Oh my — ”
“What?
“Nothing. It’s just — ”
“Is there something you’re not telling me?”
“I’m going to go get the doctor. Please wait here.”
Erica waited for an eternity. Finally, the supervisor and the nurse returned with a doctor. Everyone was concerned.
“Look at this light. Do you see it?”
“Yes, I’m not blind. I can see.”
“Stand up and hold your arms out like this.”
Erica stood, she was worried. Tears flowed from her eyes as a young nurse comforted her with a pat on her back. There was something wrong. Erica could see it written all over the old doctor’s wrinkled face.
“I want you to close your eyes. Now, touch your right finger to your nose.”
“Fine. Like this?”
“That’s good. And now, the left.”
“Okay.”
Erica was unable to touch her left finger to the tip of her nose. She tried many times. Even when she cheated, she could not do it. Exasperated, Erica gave up after her tenth attempt
“I can’t. I’m sorry. What does that mean exactly?”
“Please, take a seat, miss.”
“Can someone please tell me what is going on here? I’m getting really freaked out.”
The nurse helped Erica sit down in a chair. One look at the nurse, and Erica knew she was cooked. Her shoulders slumped, and she let out a high-pitched whimper.
“Just be calm. Everything is going to be fine.”
Before Erica knew what was happening, she found herself in an ambulance. She grabbed her cell phone and called Helen. She was teaching class. There was no way that Helen was going to answer the phone. Erica left a voicemail for her.
“It’s me. I don’t mean to worry you, but they are taking me to the hospital. They are going to admit me. I don’t completely understand what’s going on, but they want to run some tests. Love you.”
Helen arrived at the hospital two hours later. She ran through the halls looking for Erica. In her panic, she ran over a nurse. The startled nurse fell to the floor as the hot black coffee in her left hand spilled all over her green scrubs.
“Ow! Damn that’s hot! It would be great if you could watch where you are going.”
“Sorry. I’m looking for my wife, Erica Kobayashi. She’s here. Somewhere.”
Helen got to her feet. She and a young man walking down the hall helped the coffee-covered nurse to her feet. Helen made her way to the information desk. She was frantic as she spoke.
“My wife. Where is my wife?”
“What’s her name?”
“Erica Kobayashi.”
“Oh.”
“What is it?”
The charge nurse stared at her small computer screen and paused for a moment. She shook her head at the other nurse. Helen wept.
“She’s in surgery. Eighth floor. Neurology.”
“Oh God.”
Helen raced to the elevator. She burst through the doors when it reached the eighth floor. She searched room by room looking for Erica. She was unaware of the commotion she caused. A young doctor gently grabbed her by the arm to stop her progress.
“Miss, you can’t go in there. It’s a restricted area. Patients and authorized staff only.”
“My wife Erica Kobayashi. Where is she? Please tell me where she is. I need to see her.”
“That one. She’s still in the operating room.”
“Is she going to be okay?”
The doctor would not answer. She found a nurse to take Helen to the visitors’ waiting room. She sat down on the lime green sofa and put her tear-covered face into her trembling palms.
“This can’t. This cannot be happening. Please tell me that this isn’t happening to my wife.”
Helen was lost in her despair. She was oblivious to the middle-aged woman who had sat beside her in a little brown recliner. She startled Helen when she first spoke.
“It is happening. And you are going to have to be stronger than that to help your wife.”
“What would you know about it? About me? About us?”
“Not much. But I know if you are sitting here and your wife is lying in there, you and she have some serious problems. Trust me, I know all about that.”
The woman walked with an unsteady gait over to a fancy, automatic red-colored vending machine. She plunked in some coins. The machine dispensed two hot, black cups of coffee. She handed one of the steaming, white paper cups to Helen. She looked into the woman’s face as she took a sip from the cup.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Name’s Shelly Cox. My husband is in 304 C.”
“Helen Kobayashi. And I’m sorry to hear that.”
Shelly and Helen talked about their spouses. Shelly’s young husband Arnold had an embolism while he was playing with his young daughter. He was in sad shape.
The doctors were not optimistic Arnold would recover. Helen could see in Shelly’s eyes she was worried. But Shelly was quick to show Helen she was up to the task.
“Whatever fate should decide, I will accept it. And I will continue on for my beautiful daughters.”
Shelly’s positive attitude shocked Helen. She had been out of her mind since she first heard the voicemail from Erica. Helen was a mess of a woman, but she knew Shelly was right. It was important she pulled herself together for Erica.
“I’ll try to be strong.”
“There is no try, dear. Just be strong. There is no other choice.”
As those words fell upon Helen’s ears, a doctor walked in the visitors’ room. He was tired. There was a concerned look on her face. His expression terrified Helen.
“Dr. Helen Kobayashi?”
“Yes, that’s me.”
“I have some news for you about your wife.”
Helen stood before the doctor. She was shaking from head to toe. She held her breath as she waited for the doctor to speak. Helen knew her life would never be the same.
The visitors’ room fell silent. The doctor wiped his sweat-covered forehead with the blue towel in his hand, and he cleared his throat. Helen knew it was not good.
“Dr. Kobayashi, your wife is out of surgery. But — -”
“But?”
“She’s been through a lot. These next 72 hours are critical. If she can make it that long, she’s got a fighting chance to — -”
“To recover?”
“To live.”
Helen fell to her knees. The doctor put Erica’s chances of survival at no better than one in five. Helen wailed out in terror. Shelly consoled her as she patted her on her shaking left shoulder. The doctor called for a nurse to calm Helen. But it was no use.
The doctor gave up, and he called for a second nurse to bring a syringe. Three nurses held Helen as the doctor injected her with a sedative. Helen dropped to the ground.
The nurses moved Helen into another hospital room. It was two and a half hours before Helen woke up. She was strapped to the gurney for her protection.
“Someone. Anybody. Let me out of these things.”
Helen pulled against her leather restraints. The skin around her wrists and ankles bled. The bedsheets were covered with her blood. She was a mess when a nurse rushed into the room.
“Stop. Ms. Kobayashi, please try to relax. We were only trying to protect you.”
“I need to see my wife. Get this stuff off me.”
“That’s not possible at the moment.”
“Why?”
“There has been a setback in your wife’s recovery. Erica is back in surgery. There has been an increase in swelling on her brain.”
“Oh God. What are they doing to her?”
“The surgeons are trying to reduce the swelling. Right now, it’s important that you remain calm. The stress is not good for you or your wife.”
The doctors and nurses spent four hours working on Erica. They removed part of her skull along with two-thirds of her brain’s left hemisphere.
“Unfortunately, the swelling destroyed most of the brain tissue in that area. We saved what we could.”
“I see. Then, she’s alive.”
“Medically, yes, she is.”
“What does that mean?”
“There are levels of living. Time will tell what level your wife will be. There is really no way of knowing.”
The doctors put Erica into a medically induced coma. They hoped her damaged brain would use the rest to recover some function. Three days later the doctors brought Erica out of the coma.
They hoped she would wake up. But she didn’t. Awake or not, Erica was Helen’s wife.
“I want to see her doctor.”
“I don’t know if that is the best idea.”
“Please doctor. Please, she’s still my — ”
“Wife?”
“Yes, she is still my wife.”
The doctor warned her Erica would not respond to her voice. He also told her to prepare herself for Erica’s disfigured appearance. The doctor gave her final gentle warning.
“Just so you know, she’s not going to look the best.”
“I understand.”
“No you don’t. But you’ll see when you get in there. Please try to stay calm. She needs the rest.”
“I’ll do my best.”
A young nurse led Helen into the intensive care room. She stood in awe. Erica was covered from the neck down in an ivory white sheet. There was a thin, grey blanket on top of it. Helen walked closer to Erica’s bedside. She looked upon her sleeping face.
There was an angelic peace about it. Helen’s eyes drew towards the top of her wife’s head. Erica’s head was covered with thick white gauze. Helen could see an unmistakable indentation on the left side of Erica’s head.
It looked like a deep canyon. Helen turned toward the attending nurse. Her mouth dropped open. She pointed to Erica’s bandaged head. It was a horrific site to behold.
“Is that permanent?”
“Hard to say. But that part of the brain is gone.”
“But the hole? What about the hole?”
Helen reached out and clasped her wife’s cold hand. She squeezed it harder than she had in a long time. She leaned in and kissed Erica on her forehead. Erica gave her no response.
“If she makes it, they’ll replace it with a plastic prosthetic piece.”
“You mean when she makes it, right?”
“Dr. Kobayashi, that’s a conversation best left for you and the doctor.”
The nurse knew better than to answer a hypothetical question from a distraught wife. The woman knew after being in the department for more than 16 years no outcome was guaranteed. The best she could do was to offer Helen an encouraging word.
“The human body is an amazing thing. There is always a small chance.”
“Sure.”
“It’s better than zero. Always remember that.”
The nurse’s final ominous words rang in Helen’s ears as she walked out of the hospital room. If indeed Erica recovered, it was going to be a difficult road for her.”
Helen returned to the visitors’ waiting room. She sat once more on the sofa. She stared at the little green plant in the corner of the room.
“You should go home. There’s nothing more you can do now.”
“What?”
Helen looked up, and she saw Shelly. She was not as upbeat. Helen wondered what happened.
“You okay, Shelly? You look a bit different.”
The joy that once covered Shelly’s face drained away. She sat across from Helen in a little plush purple chair. Shelly shook her head as tears dropped from her face.
“Arnold’s taken a turn for the worse. They don’t think he’s going to make it through the night.”
Helen motioned for Shelly to come to her. Shelly sat next to her on the sofa. She took Shelly’s head into her arms.
“It’s going to be okay. You know, be strong, right?”
Shelly pulled from Helen’s warm embrace. She stood up. Shelly raised her fist in the air. Helen was frightened.
“There is no be strong. He’s going to die.”
“But you said everything would be okay.”
“That fortune cookie stuff is what people tell you in the beginning. But when the writing on the wall is revealed, words are worthless.”
“But your daughters?”
“My daughters are going to grow up without their father. And I without my husband.”
“Shelly, they need you.”
“My kids need Arnold. I need a — ”
“Miracle?”
“No doubt.”
Shelly realized the scene she created in the room. She calmed herself and sat in a chair. It relieved Helen to see Shelly relax.
“I’m sorry. It’s just we had such plans for our life together.”
“The best laid plans of mice and men, right?”
“Something like that.”
Helen cried. She felt bad for Shelly and her problems. Helen felt guilty. She was happy it was not Erica facing imminent death. The heartbroken pair consoled each other and prayed. Shelly had to leave.
“I have to go get my daughters. They should see their father one more time.”
“That’s probably a good idea.”
“I’ll be back in a couple of hours. You should go home. There is nothing more you can do for Erica today. Remember, this is a marathon not a sprint.”
Helen knew Shelly was right. She walked to Erica’s room one more time. She opened the door. Erica looked the same as before. Helen thought she saw a little smile on her face. Maybe, it was her imagination, but she was willing to overlook it.
“I love you.”
Helen gathered up her things from the visitors’ room. She caught a taxi back to her home. It was a long ride. The evening rush hour traffic was at a standstill for more than an hour. It gave Helen time to ponder things.
Helen focused on the positive as she stared out the dirty taxi window. Helen was happy Erica was alive, but her thoughts took a dark turn. Helen wondered if Erica would wake up. She worried about her ability to continue her teaching career. There was going to be a money problem.
Erica and Helen were young. They never bothered to set up things like disability or life insurance. No real savings existed to speak of between them. The pair enjoyed life. They figured saving for the future would come later. Helen wondered if there would be a later for Erica or a bright future for her life.
“That’ll be $23.50, credit card or cash?”
“Cash.”
The taxi driver’s request for the fare snapped Helen back to reality. She paid the fare. Helen went into her house. She drew a hot bath and took off her dirty clothes without bothering to put them in the hamper. Helen got in the bath; spent a busy minute with her fingers between her thighs, and she fell asleep.
It was sad even in her dreams Helen could not escape the stress of her present situation. She dreamed of her career and her future family. She recalled happy memories with Erica, but her happy thoughts turned into an awful nightmare.
Helen worried about being alone. She felt trapped under the weight of something she could not see. Helen awoke as her head slipped under the water. The telephone rang. Helen raced to the answering machine wearing nothing but her beautiful smile.
Helen reached out her hand to answer, but she was not in time. The answering machine picked up the call. It was a doctor, but not the one she was expecting. It was the university’s health clinic.
“Hello. Dr. Kobayashi, this is Dr. Wang from the Hood Clinic. We would like to discuss the results of your fertility treatments. Please call or come by the office at your earliest convenience. Thank you.”
Helen had been trying to get pregnant for years. There had been a string of disappointments. This call probably meant yet another failure.
“Whatever.”
She was too worn out to care. She threw on one of Erica’s old t-shirts. The smell reminded her of the last time they had been together. She slipped into some long pink pajama pants and fell asleep. Helen got up the next morning.
Helen had little appetite. She ate some tofu with natto on top. It was Erica’s favorite Japanese breakfast. Helen preferred strawberry doughnuts, but Erica criticized her penchant for sweets. She was her mother’s daughter.
Helen held back her tears as she nibbled on some burnt toast. Erica was the only person who knew how to work their toaster. Helen was strong today. She put on a new red shirt and slipped into a long black skirt. It was Erica’s favorite. She left the house about 9:00 a.m. and arrived at the clinic 45 minutes later.
A young woman greeted her at the reception desk. Helen gave the woman her health insurance card and a little wink. She sat in the waiting room. Helen picked up the latest fashion magazine and flipped through it. She had always been interested in such things.
It was a wonderful distraction from the sickness around her. Helen spent tons of time in hospitals as a crippled kid. She hated sick people. Helen cringed from the incessant coughing around her face. Helen felt sick sitting next to them. A few minutes later the receptionist called her name.
“Helen Kobayashi?”
“Here.”
“Please, go to exam room three.”
Helen walked down a short hallway. She found the exam room. A young, pretty nurse greeted her at the door.
“Please, come in. Take a seat on the examination table over there.”
“Okay. Do you know the results?”
“The doctor will be with you in a few minutes, Dr. Kobayashi.”
The nurse left the room. Helen wondered why the nurse ignored her question. She figured the nurse didn’t know, or she could not say. Helen said a small little prayer to be safe.
“Dr. Kobayashi, how are we feeling today?”
“Physically?”
“Yes.”
“I feel good. What’s all this about?”
“Are you throwing up yet?”
“Yet?”
“Dr. Kobayashi, don’t you know?”
“Know what?”
“You are pregnant.”
“Huh?”
The old doctor called for a nurse to bring in a portable sonogram machine. A few minutes later the ultrasound confirmed Helen was pregnant. She was about eight weeks along.
“I’m pregnant.”
The baby’s heartbeat was small but strong. The doctor drew blood from Helen’s left arm as the nurse printed out a sonogram picture. The doctor handed the picture to Helen.
“I am sure your wife will be excited to see this. It’s your first child, right?”
“I’m certain she will be. But I don’t know about me.”
“You don’t want the baby?”
“I don’t know. Things have changed in my life.”
“Time is short for you to make a decision. I urge you to discuss this issue with your wife before you reach any final choice. We have spent a lot of time and effort to create this life for you.”
The doctor was not a fan of abortion. Helen never considered she would have one. She wondered how she could have a baby. Erica was in the hospital, and there was no guarantee she would survive.
Helen thought about her academic career. It was tough enough for a woman to move up in the world of academia. The moment overwhelmed Helen.
“I’ll think about it doctor, okay?”
“See that you do, Dr. Kobayashi. Good day.”
“Thank you, doctor.”
The old doctor left the room in a huff. It was clear what he thought she should do about the baby, but Helen was not so sure. She buttoned her shirt and walked towards the visitors’ room. Helen paid her bill, and she left the clinic.
“A baby? Me? Us? Now?”
Helen returned home. She opened her mailbox. There were a few worthless flyers and a little card. The card was from Mary. It had been years since Helen heard from Mary.
Mary wrote a short letter. She also sent a birthday card. It was bright and pink with little clowns. With everything going on in her life, Helen forgot yesterday was her birthday.
Mary had no idea what was going on in Helen’s life. The card closed with a heartfelt message. Funny enough, the universe has a sense of humor.
“I hope you and Erica are in good health. I see a little one for you in the future. Love, Mary.”
“Right.”
Helen patted her stomach. She looked up to see her reflection in the long hallway mirror. She didn’t recognize herself. A dark and sullen shell of a woman stood before the mirror.
“What am I going to do?”
Helen called her mother. The phone rang twice and Roberta answered. Helen had trouble getting out the words.
“Mother, I need you to come here.”
“Can it wait? I’m pretty busy around here.”
“I don’t think this can wait. If you can make the time, I need you.”
“I’ll see if I can’t cancel my bridge club. But you know how those women are.”
“I know, mother. But this is important.”
“I’ll try. But no promises. Okay? Gotta go. Love you.”
It hurt to know where she ranked on her mother’s list of priorities. Helen accepted it, but she didn’t like it. It was typical Roberta: me, myself, and I to her core. A week later, Helen’s mother was at her door.
Roberta brought a box of doughnuts and a bag of expired BBQ-flavored potato chips. Helen was never fond of her mother’s penchant for allowing food to substitute for real love.
“Doughnuts? Really mother?”
Roberta criticized Helen for being fat in high school. She took no responsibility for being the one who daily shoved junk food in front of her daughter’s face. It took Helen two years and a three-month stay at a fat camp to lose the weight.
“Double chocolate. Your favorite.”
“Mother we are way past doughnuts. Don’t you think? And my favorite is strawberry by the way.”
“But it can’t be all that bad.”
“It’s worse.”
Helen spent the next two hours filling her mother in on what had happened. Roberta sat silently as Helen recounted recent events. Helen saved the biggest news for last.
“I’m pregnant.”
The news didn’t faze Roberta. Helen knew her mother lacked the empathy to show any real emotions about such a thing. There was a long pause as Roberta took a sip of her hot, black coffee.
“This coffee is a little weak, isn’t it?”
“Instant. I have not had time to go to the supermarket with everything going on. Sorry.”
“You never learned how to make a decent cup of hot, black coffee. What a shame!”
“That’s all you have to say about the baby? That’s a new low even for you, Roberta.”
“Watch your tone. I am still your mother.”
Helen muttered something under her breath. Pastor Andrew had the quickest temper in the family, but Roberta was a close second.
Helen returned to a passive demeanor towards her mother. The pair stirred their coffee as a small, brown fly flew between them. Roberta picked up a newspaper from the table. She swatted the little insect flat.
“There are ways to eliminate some of your problems, you know?”
“I guess there are.”
“There is a time and a place for everything and everyone.”
“But this might be my one chance. If Erica — ”
“Dies?”
“Yes. If Erica dies. It’s better than being alone, right?”
“There are worse things in life than death.”
Roberta pulled a little heart pill from a small lime-green container in her purse. She popped the capsule in her mouth like a professional. Helen wondered what was going on with Roberta’s health.
“How long has that been going on?”
“About two years. My old ticker ain’t what it used to be.”
Roberta ripped open a sugar packet and poured it into her coffee. She stirred it with her small silver metal spoon. Roberta took a long sip from her hot, ceramic cup.
“That’s better. Almost perfect.”
“Mother! Forget the coffee. Your heart?”
“Everyone dies. Erica is proof.”
“Mother! She’s not dead. I love Erica. For better or worse.”
“Until death do us part?”
“A vow.”
“A lie. Trust me. That’s a bunch of crap.”
“But — ”
Helen could not believe how callous her mother was towards her comatose wife. It was easier for Roberta to place Erica at an emotional distance. Helen bit her tongue hard. She knew this was not a fight she was going to win. Helen never won arguments with her mother.
“Silly girl. Love doesn’t keep the lights on every month, and human vegetables don’t earn paychecks.”
“Mother!”
“It’s your reality, isn’t it?”
“Yes, but — ”
Roberta left Helen’s house later the same afternoon. Helen was furious with her mother. She also knew her mother was right. Helen decided to go back to the university to teach her classes.
The university’s administration was sympathetic to Helen’s problems. They offered to give her time off from her full teaching duties with pay. This news relieved Helen. She needed to keep bringing in money.
Helen’s colleagues were mostly supportive of her plight. A few of them grumbled behind closed doors at their increased teaching loads. They respected Helen’s work, but they were also focused on pursuing their career ambitions.
The faculty didn’t have to tell Helen how they felt about picking up her classes. If the shoe was on the other foot, she would have felt the same. Still, the reduced teaching schedule gave her time to spend at the hospital with Erica.
Helen spent every available minute she had at the hospital sitting by Erica’s bedside. She came day after day like clockwork. The only thing that changed was the size of her ever-expanding stomach.
Abortion was never really a consideration for Helen. Deep down, she wanted a baby. She thought Erica would never forgive her for ending the little life they had wanted for so long. A small part of her also wanted to defy her mother.
Helen was not sure she made the right choice in keeping the baby, but it was too late to do anything about it now. She grew more attached to the child as it grew inside her stomach.
She thought of it as a part of the life she had with Erica. It helped that Shelly stopped in from time to time. They had long conversations about everything from the weather to the future. Helen appreciated the companionship.
“Looks like rain tomorrow.”
“That figures my girls wanted to go on a picnic.”
“Aw, too bad.”
“Arnold loved taking the girls. It’s just not the same without him. Gets lonely.”
Helen could relate to that. Everyone she knew came by the hospital once, but they oddly never came for a second visit. It was a depressing scene. She could not entirely blame them for disappearing from her life.
People sympathized with Helen, but they wanted no part of her problems. And Helen had many problems that were not going away. Her mother was included among them. Roberta made excuses over the phone to avoid coming to see Helen.
“You know old lady Lusk. She loves our bingo games downtown. I can’t disappoint her. I hope you understand.”
“It’s fine, mother. Have a good time.”
Roberta sent a cute bouquet of pink and white carnations. A pimple-faced delivery boy brought them with a box of chocolate doughnuts. The note attached read, “Love, Mom.” Helen ate one and gave the rest to the nurses.
Erica’s condition didn’t improve, but it got no worse. For the next three months, Erica laid unresponsive to Helen or anyone else. It became too much for her to go to the hospital every day. The doctors told her the daily stress was not good for her or the baby.
She saw Shelly. The woman looked like she had seen a ghost. Helen knew what happened. Tears dripped from her eyes.
“Arnold?”
Shelly shook her head. Helen reached out to give her a hug. They prayed for more than an hour, as they stood in the hallway. The pair finished their pleas to God, and they returned to the more pressing issues facing the new widow.
“What now, Shelly?”
“A funeral, I guess.”
“Let me know if you need help with your girls.”
“Thanks. You take care of yourself.”
“I’ll try.”
“Remember there is no try. Just be strong.”
Helen went to Arnold’s funeral later in the week. It was a small private affair. Shelly did her best to put on a brave face for her girls.
“I am so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you for coming. I appreciate it.”
Helen knew that Shelly was a mess on the inside. Helen left the funeral. She returned to Erica’s hospital room. Helen finally understood what her mother meant when she said “There are worse things in life than death.”
Erica was alive. Helen was dead on the inside. It was wrong to think such a thing, but she envied Erica lying in that hospital bed for the first time. Helen wondered what her younger sister Mary would do in a spot like this. But Mary was dealing with her problems.
